Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Randomize
