She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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