Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
