I wanna passion pit in your ass
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
