Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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