can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
