Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
we should paint friendship bongs
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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