did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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