Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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