I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
