He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
