yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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