I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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