Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
