Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
