take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
