What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
