I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
