as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Randomize
