I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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