I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
