Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
