At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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