I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
