Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
