I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
