I can text with my tongue
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
