girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
