i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
