My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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