Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
