clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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