whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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