im drinking this country out of the recession.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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