It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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