i just had sex bonerless
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
