I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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