I can text with my tongue
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
