I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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