hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
