Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
