He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
