Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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