can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Everclear isn't food dammit
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
