Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
