We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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