is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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