She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I want a musical about memes.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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