If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
