last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
