Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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