A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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